08/02/2008
You can't make this stuff up
I'm rarely an impulse shopper. Even though my role as househusband puts me in the check-out line at the Super Stop & Shop every other day, I manage to resist the siren call of the many magazines with the inside scoop on Britney, Tom Cruise, and Brangelina. I can easily pass on the AA batteries, tapes for the video camera, and home decorating one-offs about brightening up your dump of a crib with two cans of peach enamel and an afternoon of sweat.
However.
There are must-haves. When we're talking about communicating with angels, defeating Satan in our lives, or the end of the world, my curiosity is definitely piqued.
The literature of supermarket check-out lines has a sub-genre of religious titles, and I've been buying them for a while. Here's the latest addition to the bookshelf.
Perhaps it had to happen, this collision of the make-it-easy-for-you branch of self-help literature (Dummies Guides, Complete Idiot's Guides, etc.) and the enormous fascination with the apocalyptic Last Days prophecies. The peppy, upbeat jocularity of this writing strikes me as an unlikely contrast to the topic: Your E-Z Guide To The End Of Absolutely Everything, complete with God's Burning Wrath In More Varieties Than Heinz, The Antichrist Up Close And Personal, and Several Prophecies That Sure Have Your Number, Pal. Not to mention The Rapture.
I realize that part of my interest in this is the Aging Hipster's sense of irony, but I hope I'm not coming across as making fun of religion. It's the absurd juxtaposition of the dire subject matter with the tone of the presentation: Advice on what to watch for! How to prepare for the end! What to believe! How to be a knowledgeable consumer of The End Of The World!
I've cropped out the barcode and the price. Apparently, what I bought in the checkout line is merely a "digest version" of the entire grisly tale, available elsewhere for $16.95 US plus shipping. Mine is a point-of-purchase pamphlet for someone whose lifestyle might not bring them into contact with the full version. The target demographic could be a born-again mom who stopped in for a package of L'Eggs and 6 rolls of toilet paper; it wasn't until she laid eyes on this title (96 pages, TV Guide-sized, priced to move at $2.95 US) that she realized here in front of her was an affordably priced, simple way to fill in the gaps in her knowledge of The Coming Apocalypse.
Complete with those handy illustrations to add visual interest and break any boring blocks of text...
...and tips & tricks so there's no chance of an ungodly misinterpretation.
Lest you think I'm being selective in my presentation, here's two pages in their happy-talk apocalyptic totality.
And remember, whatever you do, don't question the two witnesses who will be prophesying during the Tribulation. That's the least you should take away from this: Keep it zipped in the End Times.
If The Onion had run this, I'd be laughing my head off. What a great idea. If I'd thought it up myself, I'd be incredibly proud. But all I can take credit for is that I wasn't sleeping in the checkout line at register 5. And now I'm going back to buy every last copy; the holiday season will soon be here, and these will make excellent gifts. Assuming The End doesn't come before December.